“You are not gonna wear that now!”
“I’ll be happy to go to your mom for thanksgiving.”
“Go ahead and spend the day at the golf club.”
“I think you look good with a little belly.”
“Do you want me to get another six pack while you keep watching the game with your friends?”
“Oh no baby, it didn’t smell like bad chili, and you don’t have to shake it off the sheets.”
“What do you think of my friend Stefanie for that threesome you wanted for your birthday?”
Female intuition … I could write book about it. It is like the sixth sense that we guys haven’t developed because we are so preoccupied thinking about sex we missed the sometimes too obvious signals.
On the other hand, women are never pre-occupied with sex. They know is not really a challenge. Now, the challenge for women is; from who are they gonna get their next mind blowing orgasm followed by tender spooning, soft kisses and caresses. Instead, they usually get a snoring guy after two minutes performance of fireworks sex. Some snap, crackle, pop for him. Some guys might deliver the lite version … snap and pop.
That is one thing women don’t want a lite version of … sex. They can handle salads, tofu and organic wheat grass shots and some other plastic tasting foods. But in sex, no, they want the whole nine yards (well, in my case a few inches at a time).
It is not just sex that they want, it is a whole buffet starting with sexual appetizers and finishing with sexual desert. The sensual activities are the lite appetizers for the senses; candles, aromatic scents, romantic music, and soft dancing. Then some salad; bathing together in a Jacuzzi with bath oils, salts and bubbles. Then, the main dish. But not before a glass of wine and some more foreplay to, you know, “get things going”. By the time women are almost done with the main dish they are already impatient for desert; “Yeah, baby give it to me. Give me that banana flambé!”
Dancing
Women love subtle physical contact. Think about it, dancing is a feast for the senses. That subtle, after shave smell, looking into your partner’s eyes, the taste of your chewing gum, the music and the touch of the bodies along with the rhythms. Women find guys who can dance, confident, romantic and fun. But please, dance to the rhythm; 1 … 2 … cha, cha, cha! … 3 … 4 …. cha, cha, cha!
Butts
Women prefer guys with cute butts – round and slightly bigger than the average hand size – and inverted triangle shape torsos. Broad shoulders and narrow hips are most attractive. Why do they like broad shoulders and narrow hips? I don’t know. Why do they like cute butts? … two words come to mind; bike handlers.
Fingers
Psychological studies shown that women find men with longer ring fingers more attractive, as the length of the ring finger is linked to sperm count. Yeah right, like that is the only reason.
By the way, how do psychologists come up with these studies? And where do they find these research subjects? Do they post ads on colleges and cities that say;
“Get paid for something you do, anyways. For more information call 1-800-hands-on and go wild. $10 per deposit”
Eyes
Another study indicates that clear eyes suggest health and fertility. On a related note, smoking pot decreases sperm count and increases eye redness. Well, even I could have figured that one out, and I’m not a psychologist. Also, women consider wearing glasses an unconscious suggestion of physical weakness and blue-eyed men more sexually mature. Dark-eyed men are sexually immature, we love to play, foreplay. ;-P
A “Some-freaky-university-in-England” study reported that after couples that have never met stared at each other for four minutes, most of them reported an attraction afterwards. Yes, an attraction to munchies. I’ll be freaking out if someone I don’t know stares at me for four minutes.
- “Baby, you are hot and everything but you are freaking me out. If you are not picturing me naked I’m out of here, you weirdo” -
Mouth
Why is Aerosmith’s Steve Tyler so attractive to women? Apparently, women find guys that have a mouth 60% wider than their nose. I’m certain Stevie boy is like 200% wider. Have you seen his mouth, jeez!! He is like a sea shell with legs.
Smell
I’m not taking a shower anymore! A sweaty smell of a man boosts the flow of blood in the area of a woman’s brain that control sex.
No wonder women find latin guys so attractive. On top of knowing how to dance, we have butts, dark eyes and big mouths because of our black/indian roots. We are ugly but we can sweat in our arm pits like none else (and be smelly) on the dance floor.
So next time you, ladies, would like to feel that attraction rush, go to your local salsa scene and rub against some sweaty Latino guy that will make you feel dangerous, gorgeous and safe.
Hints – The encrypted way of women to metaphorically ask for something
Last night, a friend asked me for some advice on how to understand men. Well, as we all know understanding men is not an easy task. As a representative of the male gender, I have to say, yes it is difficult to understand men but slightly easier than understanding women.
Hopefully, I didn’t push the buttons of those feminist women out there with that comment above. Anyways, as I’m trying to explain to Marisa the psych of men and how much more simple than women think it is, my thoughts started to come together …
After some more observations on human behavior, discussions, squeezing the stress ball by my desk, making fist-size paper balls and shooting a few into a trash can nearby, I decided to begin a perhaps controversial series of articles that I’ll call; Women on the Second Floor
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WARNING:
The following might or might not represent the author’s opinion on whatever he is writing. The purpose is to look at life from different point of views, NOT to insult anyone. So, DON’T take it personally. There might be some strong content but I’ll try “PG thirteening-it” as much as possible. For example, instead of the penis I’ll replace it by a little banana word.
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Of course, there will be always someone who is gonna come up to me and say; “why did you write that warning about not taking it personally? Are you taking about me?” Exactly my point. All right, let get started, go crazy, stupid or whatever the Black Eye Peas say.
UNDERSTANDING MEN 101
Why men don’t get hints
Don’t waste your energy hinting a guy into throwing the garbage out by saying “This kitchen is a mess”. Or by saying, while at the video rental store, “Do you really want to go to watch that movie?” when clearly you would rather pick a chick flick. The dictionary defines encrypt as; To put into code or cipher. To alter using a secret code so as to be unintelligible to unauthorized parties. Yes, women use a secret code that not even Dan Brown (author of the DaVinci Code) can figure it out. And who is part of the unauthorized party? men are. We don’t take hints because we men, are not subtle at all. We tell it like it is.
- “Hey, what do you think about this for her birthday gift, Bro?” a man ask his buddy.
- “That is crap, you cheap bastard! Why are you giving her pots and kitchenware for her birthday? That’s not for her; that’s for the kitchen. Why is she sleeping with you, again?”
While women are proud of their female intuition, developed through thousands and thousands of years trying to communicate with their newborns in caves, we lack this so called intuition. Instead we have mojo. Yeah, baby, yeah!! (Ok, I just got side tracked here. Back to the topic. Back to the topic and forget Austin Powers movies).
Resuming my very serious and interesting discussion – Women can read other people’s auras, and sense with touch how another female or young creature might be feeling. They have a soothing and complex way of communicating with each other. They connect on three thousand different levels with another woman. And the deeper, the better. That is why they love to do all that crazy stuff like mantra, palm reading, aerobics, yoga, group therapies, go shopping and buy shoes, dance closely with each other and/or get drunk and make out. We see all those activities as lesbian-bordering activities and fantasize about it. We don’t understand why women love to bond in such ways. Male bonding consists of watching a ball game, grabbing a beer, belching, farting and, very important, seating on your own chair. We don’t share couches, not even 12 feet long couches. It is just gay.
On the other hand we men, until recently, have been going out and hunting the next meal for the family for thousands and thousands of years. We went hunting with other Neanderthals fellas.
We see, we point to a prey, we hunt, we eat, we fart.
That is as far as communication went amongst pre-historic men. And to be honest, I don’t think it has changed that much.
So my dear friend, to summarize, we men are primitive beings that haven’t evolved that much communication-wise. We are still on the first floor of evolution while women are on the second floor. It is another level of communication.