28 Things Men Don’t Know about Real American Women – Don’t try to figure out what will make us happy. We have been trying to get to the bottom of that mystery since the beginning of time and we have no clue either.

The other day, I received this email about Words Women Use. I couldn’t find who the original author is, therefore I’m NOT taking credit for it.

1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when theyare right, and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1).

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you – do not question or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying “%@&* YOU!”

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “what’s wrong” – for the woman’s response refer to #3.

We guys don’t get it.

Women are easy to understand. We just have to understand that they respect our decisions. They want you to want what they want you to want.

It is all.

Watch this episode of web therapy.

Lisa Kudrow stars in this episode of Web Therapy as Fiona a passive aggressive web therapist of gets flattered when her pacient makes a surprinsingly personal breakthrough.

Ever wondered why does she take so long in the shower? Ever wondered what does he do in the bathroom? Here is the answer to those mysteries, or differences in gender, of life.

In summary;

women – take off cloths. place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks
men – take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile

women – walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown
men – walk to the bathroom naked

women – if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas
men – if you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the “woo-woo” sound

women – look at your womanly physique in the mirror
men – admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass

women – make mental note to do more sit-ups, leg-lifts, etc. adjust breasts
men – look at your manly physique in the mirror

women – Turn on shower
men – Turn on shower

women – wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red
men – Wash face

women – use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone
men – Spend majority of time washing privates

women – wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins
men – Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off

women – wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
men – Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower

women – condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passionfruit. rinse conditioner off hair
men – Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk

women – shave armpits and legs
men – Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Pee

women – get out of shower and stand directly on bathmat
men – Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

women – dry with towel the size of a small country
men – Dry off foreamrs and butt only

women – spray mold spots with Tilex
men – Draw a penis on the fogged mirror

women – squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower
men – Then draw boobs so you feel manly

women – return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head
men – If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again. Throw wet towel on bed

image by flickr

It is always fascinating to observe human behavior. In a relationship, once pass the courtship stage most men start feeling perhaps too comfortable. This is when women begin to re-consider staying single.

Can I vomit now?

Have you ever wondered what does she mean? Women in general will express their emotions, wants and desires using a normal straight to the point communication style. Unfortunately, some women will say something but mean something else.

I always wondered; why do they do this? I researched and read a few articles about how to recognize this female communication. In one of this articles they even explain what the man should do when she asks him certain questions. For example; Do I look Fat? or If We were not together which of my friends would you go for? I read the whole article to be prepared for the next time these questions come across. Then, I realized;

- Wait a minute! I don’t have to put up with this passive-aggressive behavior. It is not my problem she doesn’t know how to communicate -

I you still want to know what she means read ahead and find out yet more gender differences; What She Says vs What She Means.

1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1).

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you – do not question or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying “%@&* YOU!”

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “what’s wrong” – for the woman’s response refer to #3.

For most women PMS is that time of the month in which they experience a roller coaster of emotions, physical pains and psychological fluctuations. These fluctuations are experienced as mood swings accompanied by irritability, headaches, depression and fatigue.

Despite psychologists not been able to identify mayor mood differences, gender clearly is the reason for this behavioral and biological changes. To my surprise, a cronic case of PMS is considered a medical condition known as Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).

Next time a female goes through PMS be patience and try to understand she is going through some difficult times. The best advice is not to confront or get into arguments. As we have seen in the video there is no logic behind the behavior because is mostly emotional.

Below, 13 things PMS stands for. (I don’t know who the original author is).

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly, Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff

…and my all time favorite…

13. Potential Murder Suspect

image by : www.epicself.com

Continuing with our series, relationship dating advice (read previous post; he says, she hints) this time we are looking at How To Know If He Loves You. This is not the same as how to know if is going to marry you but it is an improvement.

Before we review those phrases that signal he is comfortable having you around lets remember that most men are not as emotionally connected as most women are.

Men will show you are welcome to his territory when he says phrases like;

“No you don’t look fat in those jeans”
“I love your short hair cut”
“No it’s perfectly fine that you cut off your long, silky waist length hair”
“I was only noticing how fat she looks in those jeans”
“I lit the match and the toilet seat is down, darling”
“You choose the movie”
“Here, You flip channels for a while”
“I’m here for you; tell me everything you’re feeling”
“Come here. You need a hug.”
“Were there other women there? I only saw you.”
“What are you thinking? a pedicure? sure, I’ll try it.”
“Dancing lessons? sounds like fun”
“You thought I forgot our 3-and-a-half-month anniversary, didn’t you?”
“I’ll hop out and ask this guy for directions.”
“OK … soy milk, eggs, M&M’s, frozen organic edamame, nail polish remover, Clearasil, a box of tampons and Yoga Journal… Did I forget anything? I’m on my way.”

By a Guest Collaborator

image by flickr

Last night, a friend asked me for some dating advice on how to understand men. Well, as we all know understanding men is not an easy task. As a representative of the male gender, I have to say, yes it is difficult to understand men but slightly easier than understanding women.
Hopefully, I didn’t push the buttons of those feminist women out there with that comment above.

I tried explaining my friend the psychology of men and how simpler it is than women think. My thoughts started to come together.

After some more observations on human behavior, discussions, squeezing the stress ball by my desk, making fist-size paper balls and shooting a few into a trash can nearby, I decided to begin a perhaps controversial series of posts about relationship dating advice. Let’s begin with communication;

UNDERSTANDING MEN 101

Why men don’t get hints

Hints – The encrypted way of women to metaphorically ask for something

Don’t waste your energy hinting a guy into throwing the garbage out by saying – “This kitchen is a messâ€� – . Or while at the video rental store, – “Do you really want to go to watch that movie?â€� – when clearly you would rather pick a chick flick. The dictionary defines encrypt as; To put into code or cipher. To alter using a secret code so as to be unintelligible to unauthorized parties. Yes, women use a secret code that not even Dan Brown (author of the DaVinci Code) can figure it out. And who is part of the unauthorized party? men are. We don’t take hints because we men, are not subtle at all. We tell it like it is.

- “Hey, what do you think about this for her birthday gift, Bro?� a man ask his buddy.

- “That is crap, you cheap bastard! Why are you giving her pots and kitchenware for her birthday? That’s not for her; that’s for the kitchen. Why is she sleeping with you, again?â€�

While women are proud of their female intuition, developed through thousands and thousands of years trying to communicate with their newborns in caves, we lack this so called intuition.

Women can read other people’s auras, and sense with touch how another female or young creature might be feeling. They have a soothing and complex way of communicating with each other. They connect on three thousand different levels with another woman. And the deeper, the better. That is why they love to do all that crazy stuff like mantra, palm reading, aerobics, yoga, group therapies, go shopping and buy shoes, dance closely with each other and/or get drunk and make out. We see all those activities as lesbian-bordering activities and fantasize about it. We don’t understand why women love to bond in such ways.

Male bonding consists of watching a ball game, grabbing a beer, belching, farting and, very important, seating on your own chair. We don’t share couches, not even 12 feet long couches. It is just gay.

On the other hand we men, until recently, have been going out and hunting the next meal for the family for thousands and thousands of years. We went hunting with other Neanderthals fellas.

We see, we point to a prey, we hunt, we eat, we fart.

That is as far as communication went amongst pre-historic men. And to be honest, I don’t think it has changed that much.

So my dear friend, to summarize, we men are primitive beings that haven’t evolved that much communication-wise. We are still on the first floor of evolution while women are on the second floor. It is another level of communication.