It has been tough for some of my male friends to read the signs women send when they are loosing interest. One of them asked me, – “how can I tell when the passion is gone? Is it when she start complaining about my socks on the floor?” You are asking me? I have no clue – I thought. But, here are seven signs to watch for;

1. She finds you annoying
2. You get a list of all your faults … and then some.
3. You try to get the magic back. But … she is not really into magic anymore.
4. Things don’t make sense. Ok, this one is tricky because most of the time they don’t.
5. Now … she is gay. Mmmmh, she never complained before.
6. Start finding weird dead things
7. Everything is drama and you don’t care anymore

My dear friend, watch this funny video about “How to tell when a relationship is over”.

Vixen: Poison for Your Relationship is a comic that evolved out of conversation at “Girls’ Night” at the Southern Sun in Boulder, CO.

My friend Karen* had an ex in town with whom she was trying to make a decision about moving forward. He was from out of town and she was considering moving to be closer to him. He flew out for the weekend and on Saturday night they partied a little too hard. The next day he was violently ill. He retched for three hours non-stop until Karen eventually had to take him to the emergency room. Karen had to run an borrow a car as they had left hers downtown the night before, too drunk to drive home. In some ways this left her in a position of power as he was debilitated and she was taking care of him.

It was from this place that the idea of Vixen: Poison for Your Relationship evolved. In the end of Karen’s story, the ex told her it would be too much pressure on him if she were to move closer, so the idea of “Vixen” became even more delicious.

Sarah Thompson – Comic Art and Content

Ever wondered why does she take so long in the shower? Ever wondered what does he do in the bathroom? Here is the answer to those mysteries, or differences in gender, of life.

In summary;

women – take off cloths. place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks
men – take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile

women – walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown
men – walk to the bathroom naked

women – if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas
men – if you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the “woo-woo” sound

women – look at your womanly physique in the mirror
men – admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass

women – make mental note to do more sit-ups, leg-lifts, etc. adjust breasts
men – look at your manly physique in the mirror

women – Turn on shower
men – Turn on shower

women – wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red
men – Wash face

women – use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone
men – Spend majority of time washing privates

women – wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins
men – Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off

women – wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
men – Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower

women – condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passionfruit. rinse conditioner off hair
men – Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk

women – shave armpits and legs
men – Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Pee

women – get out of shower and stand directly on bathmat
men – Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

women – dry with towel the size of a small country
men – Dry off foreamrs and butt only

women – spray mold spots with Tilex
men – Draw a penis on the fogged mirror

women – squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower
men – Then draw boobs so you feel manly

women – return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head
men – If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again. Throw wet towel on bed

image by flickr

It is always fascinating to observe human behavior. In a relationship, once pass the courtship stage most men start feeling perhaps too comfortable. This is when women begin to re-consider staying single.

Can I vomit now?

Have you ever wondered what does she mean? Women in general will express their emotions, wants and desires using a normal straight to the point communication style. Unfortunately, some women will say something but mean something else.

I always wondered; why do they do this? I researched and read a few articles about how to recognize this female communication. In one of this articles they even explain what the man should do when she asks him certain questions. For example; Do I look Fat? or If We were not together which of my friends would you go for? I read the whole article to be prepared for the next time these questions come across. Then, I realized;

- Wait a minute! I don’t have to put up with this passive-aggressive behavior. It is not my problem she doesn’t know how to communicate -

I you still want to know what she means read ahead and find out yet more gender differences; What She Says vs What She Means.

1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1).

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you – do not question or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying “%@&* YOU!”

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “what’s wrong” – for the woman’s response refer to #3.

For most women PMS is that time of the month in which they experience a roller coaster of emotions, physical pains and psychological fluctuations. These fluctuations are experienced as mood swings accompanied by irritability, headaches, depression and fatigue.

Despite psychologists not been able to identify mayor mood differences, gender clearly is the reason for this behavioral and biological changes. To my surprise, a cronic case of PMS is considered a medical condition known as Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).

Next time a female goes through PMS be patience and try to understand she is going through some difficult times. The best advice is not to confront or get into arguments. As we have seen in the video there is no logic behind the behavior because is mostly emotional.

Below, 13 things PMS stands for. (I don’t know who the original author is).

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly, Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff

…and my all time favorite…

13. Potential Murder Suspect

image by : www.epicself.com

Don’t go for the kill

Does a cheetah ask a gazelle if it is ready to die? This is the mentality that will get you a slapped in the face. Most guys will wait until the end of the night, impatiently, to make that sudden and slippery move; the undesirable forced-smooch-with-violating-tongue kiss. There are some signals that need to be properly interpreted;

Her Signals

• She gets rid of the chewing gum
• She glances at your lips while listening to you
• She starts by looking down. Then, without words, she holds your gaze for a few seconds with a demure smile. Then, look away.
• She will hide her hands behind her back.
• She snuggles her face into your neck, barely kissing your cheek.
• She slowly move her lips towards you
• She kisses very softly
• She moves away slowly

What he thinks the signals are;

• She has been chewing gum all night long.
• He paid for dinner
• She looked at him
• She is not trying to jump out of the car. Only a little desperate to go back home
• She is not yawning
• She is not talking to some other dude about getting together later that night but send a lot of text messages
• He thinks that she thinks he is an awesome dude because she laughed at his drunk stories and hasn’t call him an idiot
• She is not drunk-ass throwing up everywhere
• She didn’t get that angry when he grabbed her butt in front of his friends

After the Smooch Signals blog posted yesterday I received this email from a Guest Writer. I thought it will be great to share what she has to say.

“I have been watching the TV technique…not that that’s any reflection of reality. But anyway, most of the time in the movies, the woman puts her lips very close to the man’s lips (after some appropriate pause in the conversation).

He gets the clue (how could he not?) and completes the last inch required for contact. For me, I have never had to be that assertive and if I really like the guy, would probably be too shy to move in before he does. If we are both shy, well, I guess we’ll have to get really drunk first, stumble into each other and bump our lips together by accident before one of us blushes and pulls away. But according to your blog, the guys are never shy and are basically going to give it a try no matter what.

So maybe you should find out what women do to give out the signal that they DON’T want to be kissed?

Here are some obvious clues;

• She throws up.
• She leaves the party w/out saying good-bye
• She talks about having a cold or the flu
• She hides in the bathroom until you wander away
• She initiates a short and sweet peck on the cheek and turns her back on you.
• She doesn’t answer the phone when you call
• She doesn’t call back
• She lets you kiss her while firmly keeping you at a distance with her hand on your chest
  
• She starts eating a slice of pizza … or anything
• She checks her phone for messages
• She belches like a truck driver
• She talks about how much you would like her friend Bambi (unless she is into some other arrangements we won’t discuss here)”

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Continuing with our series, relationship dating advice (read previous post; he says, she hints) this time we are looking at How To Know If He Loves You. This is not the same as how to know if is going to marry you but it is an improvement.

Before we review those phrases that signal he is comfortable having you around lets remember that most men are not as emotionally connected as most women are.

Men will show you are welcome to his territory when he says phrases like;

“No you don’t look fat in those jeans”
“I love your short hair cut”
“No it’s perfectly fine that you cut off your long, silky waist length hair”
“I was only noticing how fat she looks in those jeans”
“I lit the match and the toilet seat is down, darling”
“You choose the movie”
“Here, You flip channels for a while”
“I’m here for you; tell me everything you’re feeling”
“Come here. You need a hug.”
“Were there other women there? I only saw you.”
“What are you thinking? a pedicure? sure, I’ll try it.”
“Dancing lessons? sounds like fun”
“You thought I forgot our 3-and-a-half-month anniversary, didn’t you?”
“I’ll hop out and ask this guy for directions.”
“OK … soy milk, eggs, M&M’s, frozen organic edamame, nail polish remover, Clearasil, a box of tampons and Yoga Journal… Did I forget anything? I’m on my way.”

By a Guest Collaborator

image by flickr